Suddenly Elated Xperience.

So you felt 
Incomplete
Begging for that
Little push
To ecstasy
You said.
That welcoming feel
Sets days like these.
This repeating feeling
Renewed each time
You received
That pull.
Sharing what 
We've always been 
Selfish over.
Finally 
A flutter.

A Bogus Boggie.

Such effort

And vague replies

For one little stick.

As the rain drops

How can you just

Deny your addiction.

It's growing again.

Remember

The times you recall

And elaborate further on

Stating that it's different.

I must be oblivious to this change.

All I see is 3 years of effort

Lightened up 

And filtered by

Marlboro Lights 100's. 

Lips and fingers 

Pressed and stained. 

The only type of gold 

You can encounter

Is that pattern 

On that box

That beholds

Carcinogens. 

Grumpy?

Well smoke up Daddy

Smoke up. 

These puns and ugly faces

And these butterflies I'd love to stab

And that interminable jaw pain I get when you're around

And the need to clean myself and my room up before 

you lay your head beside me in my bed

Must mean something.

Maybe this is a premature urge to say

What you said.

To finally return that mutuality

You thought you needed at first.

You make me want to be gushy

Annoy people with our affection.

You make me want to be different.

Maybe I have started falling down

That hypnotizing black and white

Spiral.

 

i wanna be

See I want to acheive the ultimate goal of becoming a better person. I want you all to feel at home when I'm providing you my time, sit down on the rocking chair and close your eyes and let your mind live for a bit. Here let me take off that coat you shield yourself with from the cold you're here now and you're warm now. I wanna be that amazing protagonists in those books that you can't get out of your head even after you have finished the book. I wanna show that growth and that depth in just a few chapters. 

I am the wick of a candle.
Burnt many times
But yet capable of letting a lovely scent drift
To your nose.
I'll mesmerize those raw eyes.
As I'm waiting for my flame.
My surroundings will melt
And a comforting aroma will arise.
This feeling of nostalgia
Never felt so warm.

See I have pity for myself
I value something i’ve never had
From the time in my dream 
I saw you in a cage and I chose another.
But I always still look up to the sun dancing in the sky.
I embrace the shine escaping the obstacles the trees have made
As I forget about why I think this way.
I soon neglect the image of my miserable self
And fixate on creating a new one.
I force myself to get out and maybe recreate my
Younger days.
But I know that time can never be made up
And unfortunately you robbed me and you can’t redeem yourself.

The way I lean on people is the individual and I have our backs to each other. I lean back so far that I break their back. Individuals are fragile to a certain point and I don't need that I need someone who can break there back for me and can still let me lean on them with them wearing that damn back brace. But nowadays it's too overwhelming to break your back. I guess I don't need some flexible person I need a person whose able to break and break over again and still be able to say "sure alyssa you can break my back again because I'm here for you." Needless to say I have only a few people I'd break my backs for. 

I really feel like I need something new and exciting in my life, I don't know what and the fact that I don't know saddens me. There's just beyond an influince of things I can occupy myself with and I don't know what. I guess this is just me ready for the new school year. I'm growing tired of the same old people being inconsistent. This summer made me realize that really it's better off to bawl on your own because no ones there for me permanantly everyone's too damn busy for me. Have I grown boring? Have I deposited lame attributes into my relationship with others to consist a lack of consistancy? I'm really just wondering along with apathy. I've been hiding.

It's all a 1 way thing we're all heading to die.

neutral.

You look tall and lonely
And you make me feel extremely petite
It used to be petite in an emotional way
But it's been 2 summers since then.
I always thought it was me who intimidated you
But it was your intimidating thoughts that made
You run away from me as a child.
You came back a bit older
And realized this was getting old.
I'm here in the present and I'm not yours to say.
You've gained weight
But you're still skinny
You still look the same
But it's your heart
It gained more weight.

As I Skip over the concrete that seemed like it has survived many earthquakes in its bygone era 
I wave and say good morning 
To the drunk guy who wakes up to beer and ends the night to beer.
As I greet him I know I'm disregarding 
The advice my mom gives me every morning before she goes off to another day at the lab. 
I notice the uncomforting bugs invading human property if only they knew 
They were crawling into their death.
I turn the corner and admire the unsymmetrical shaped house and glance at the left part of the roof 
That failed at meeting the right part because the left part was lower than the other.
Heinus smells from different houses intimidating my nostrils but I deal with it 
Because this route to school is always new.

Frozen Warmth

Outside is calling
Though it's cold
But the sunset seems
Like a glimpse of
Warm paradise.
I knew
Just a few months more.
Freshly cut grass will
Welcome me as I pass
My neighbors lawn.
The concrete is exposed
Along with my skin.
Sprinklers will refresh me
And  without a doubt
I'll Run through
As I simmer beneath the sun
And allow the musty smell
To penetrate my hair
Strand by strand.

Igloo

I am an igloo
Filled with icy knives
Cold
Closed
And Sharp
Surrounded by perfect white
Isolated by me
Candid is a no cando.
The freezing of warmth is interminable.
An abundance of cold whipping wind.
Made out of my own surroundings
To shield my own surroundings.
Just a crack to let people in
And let them out.
That's all I am
An igloo.

New
Yet still feeling continued.
The cold starting to make a move
The new breaks
The new light.
A lousy feeling overcoming me
Things aren't new
Things are the same
Sure let the ball drop
At the strike of midnight
Strummed out
High as a kite
Never wanting to come down
Unlike that glimmering ball.
The city wasn't freezing
A new sensation
With an old surrounding
January.

Left.

You were there ever since I was born
Didn't realize you were there till I was 3
I was standing the mirror disgusted.
I'm always scared you'd be seen
Before I get to explore a world
A new world.
It has been revealed in the smelly locker room
Where insecurities and poor self esteem
Make up the stench.

Here I am embarrassed of you.

I expect the least from you.

Usually I am optimistic towards people and I'm quite generous with hospitality and all that nice stuff but you? TUH!