The gloomy atmosphere.
Cherry wood floor creaking with each step.
The comfy couch flowing fatigue into me.
Offers after offers.
No's and no thank you's.
Fake eyes staring out.
The lady below us complaining about your flowers.
The back of your hand on my cheek.
Your care thrown at me.
My attention handed to you.

Burnt leaves and burnt wood
Caged up by flammable material
Nothing can stop this fire.
Have some fear dear
Ashes will escape.
Sit next to me
Ignore the need to give into pyro ways.
Curl up into a ball
And enjoy the Fall.

I'm really tired with trying to communicate with you. Trying to catch you on your time, hang out with you. You're too busy with your lame life I get it your preferance to having a good time is effortless compared to mine. This year I really let you slip. I realized all you ever want to do is be alone. I'm hurt, summer time you started to make me crack but now I've cracked so much that I have no shell and now I'm just really apathetic towards this and I really had no choice but to neglect you. A simple text a simple hi is too complicated for you. Whatever maan.

I'm sort of believing more and more each day that the funniest people are the saddest people.

I really don't mind the sweet pasta.
Slipping through the spaces of the fork.
A little salt and pepper to tweak it a bit.
Feeling like this kitchen here with you is home.
Warm and filled with a smell I always loved.
Deprived of you until today.
I was really hungry
But for you anyway.
A simple mess we can dread on cleaning
But it's okay cause we'll do it together.
I'll explain how long my day was
And you'd ask me to elaborate more on whatever I said
I'll have nothing to say and laugh
And have a difficult time eating slippery sweet pasta with you in this cold kitchen.

Why I love my polaroid with all my heart.

One day if my writing gets anywhere I hope it's intense enough that my readers can't shake my writing off. I want my writing to be a tough stain on a white surface.

RANT RANT RANT

So many people just have no manners. I don't fucking care what people are to you treat them right. If she's your girlfriend don't let her treat you like a sugar daddy. I'm really moody at the moment. If they're your friend and they need help, help them out. If your friend will just never learn reinforce some morals into their damn heads. I wouldn't be who I am today if people never treated me right if people never helped me out. I would've been an introverted fat fuck who was naive and passive. Little things can cause big changes. Have your door open you'll never know who'll walk in one day.

Today was simply amazing. I finally hung out with my best friend Jackie. We caught up with things and now I remember where my humor started to change . My humor is crystal clear to her. Playing cards and playing board games with her and Justin and making brownies and starting up a bon fire at the back of Justin's house made me feel like I was at the right place at the right time. It probably wasn't such a big thing to them but to me it really made me happy. Sitting around talking about more spontaneous things to do. Thinking of things to drop and forget. Today really meant a lot to me. A lot of things have been going through my mind and I really don't feel like a kid anymore. But whatever great night hopefully will lead into a great morning.

Tyler, The Creator

So I'm not really into rap okay I sorta am ha but I like him a lot because he sorta intrigues me and he shows personality and he seems like he has a lot of humor....I like humor. Plus he's actually not that bad.

So I have a new habit at waking up at 6:40 don't know why but today I have school at 10:42 practically 11 and I have no school the next day woo! Anyways I was thinking about freshmen year cause I was talking to my friend Evan about it and man I grew so far from that direction I was heading. I was in the pupil of a spiral that consisted of terrible things. I was optimistic but so many things made me not even be optimistic nor pessimistic I was just taking everything in and being passive and letting people treat me like dirt. I cut class almost everyday towards the end of the year, there was absolutely not one day that I hadn't cut. I really just had no motivation towards life towards school towards anything. Honestly I was lost and miserable. The summer before I remember there was this month I didn't have an appetite for anything a bottle of water and I was done for a week I was full with such little portions. I was depressed but I kept denying it at the time. I didn't cry I didn't talk about it still haven't, and I don't know what hit me. It was a wave of depression I didn't force upon me I just rode along with the wave. No one even knew I still don't know why I was like that but I'm just a radiant light being now and pretty strong and wiser and people see me as a girl with a rainbow coming out of her ass just kidding ? But freshmen year was the year I experienced so many things the year I fell and felt the ground. Sophomore year was when I slapped myself and got it all together now I'm a junior now and college is closer and all these things that I can't just say fuck it to cause I sort of have no other choice.


I don't need to but I just really want to go shopping yeah I'm still a shopaholic after all these years. Hmm continental? flushing? soho? tangers? so many places to go and buy things from MWAHAHAHAH >=D

Ahh the thought of not having to do a bunch of homework because I don't procrastinate feels so oh I don't know grand to me haha.

I have so many books to read and I'm so excited...and I just can't hide it..
I JUST GOT A HALLOWEEN IDEA well for next year I should be a book-worm hahah.
Every Halloween I'm gonna be an animal. No none of that skanky kitty crap I mean legit animals!

Going to Flushing later on in the day hopefully if Jess doesn't flake out on me. I just want some damn bubble tea from quickly's RIGHT NOW IN MY MOUTH. So I woke up at 7 don't have school today just wanted to start the day early do some homework and clean up my closet which looks like a thrift store threw up. Ha this was a strange but laughable moment I was at the gym on sunday I was sad at the weight I gained which was around 4 pounds then I worked out and I lost it all... I guess I went "hard" but I'm going to the gym maybe with my friend Anna hopefully she doesn't flake out on me either ha. Lately I've been disappointed in plenty of people giving in and taking shit easy. While I'm over here trying my best day after day after day. On a really random note I want a pet that I'm not allergic too!

My mind on Monday mornings.

One day I'm gonna write a book. Each page will have an ugly polaroid picture of someone or something. Well I'm working on the ugly pictures right now the book can wait. My writing is okay so I wouldn't want to publish my okay writing skills and show it to the world. Maybe just maybe I'll get into writing stories but the thing is between poems and stories is that in poems I can write anything and it doesn't have to stick to an individual and have an exact point and there's stories sticking to people and then their morals and their personality and blah blah blah. Though I admire people for writing stories. I hate cleches lets get that straight now. When it comes to sappy stuff I am very very VERY obligated to ruining it. I can't take it, it urks me, I don't know how to react do I react all sappy back? or do I just nod my head.

Nude

Take a day off and take off clothes.
Casually nude.
Doing anything.
Mellow and naked.
Forgetting how to be homely
And remembering how to be wholesome again.

So my birthday passed a few days ago. I'm never excited, I'm sort of depressed. Yay! getting older! yeah it doesn't sound so appealing to me. It sounds intimidating. Another year towards my death another year with out people being around. Usually I'm optimistic but the thought of me growing up makes me frown. It just seems so scary not the whole concept of being alone just the concept of letting go and forgetting. The other day I tried to remember all these good times I had when I was younger and I seem to remember a lot but almost all the people that were in those memories aren't around for me anymore. Being young seems so simple sure there's pressure but nothing too extreme I feel. When you get older your plate is as full as a fat persons plate in an all you can eat buffet.

So today in history this lady. Talked about religion to narrow it down. Mormons I never came across such an odd religion in my whole entire life till this year. They keep marriages discreet and men have step ford wives and they don't even claim there own babies so they're under welfare. I get it practice your own religion here in America but really? The founder of this found golden plates...first question when I heard that was ..was he high? How do you pull out golden plates to step ford wives and welfare babies? I understand step ford wives to expand the religion but welfare babies? C'mon the whole world isn't stabilized enough (financially) to give a money to a welfare baby meanwhile they're mama's know there daddy's. I see the children of Mormons as a sugar babies of the government.

Underneath

I miss sitting in front of the glass windows and taking sips of the peppermint goodness here and then. 

Staring at the dirty staircase thinking about what happens at night.

Fully consumed of the caffeine with you.

Sipping on too expensive coffee and staring at the dirty staircase.

I miss our thoughtless sips of coffee and time.