Papang.

I remember stealing your eye frames

And shoving them under the bed

While you snoozed the sun away.

And I remember the satisfactory I got

When you realized you were blind because of what I have hidden.

You were stubborn.

You would hold your hands to your ears and block out your children's harsh words. 

I really did hope that the UPS guy would come in

And say this is the wrong delivery of death.

Your heart is in Atlantic City slot machines

But your body is underneath the islands soil.  

I don't know where this leads us
And I think I'm fine not knowing
Cause I have lost many pieces of myself
On our way here.
I'm recollecting them
Either to get you
Or get away from you.
I'm positive with you and I
I have nothing heavy to throw at you
Anymore.

Gun shot mug.

All I need
Is my gun
To get me through the day.
I need it in the morning to start off the interminable energy.
But when I crash I need another shot
of  coffee.

Home is wherever I'm with you.

They gave that boy a push

To push me

Far enough to make me believe

It's all gone and I've lost my way.

Time

Time is what it takes to remember the right path.

He's new to this area

I'm still showing him the way

And I still have my hand out waiting for him

To come back and grab it

So we can go back on our way

Our way 

To 

Our home.

Cursing the cursed.

Vague passion
Smacked onto my lips
You furrow your perfect brows
And stare at me
But not out of worry anymore
Just for our moment of intensity.
This is why I amputated
That part of me that
Runs around your mind
And renews the rotting self I was.
As you embrace me
And strike at what's behind me
With a harsh comedic remark
I call you a little shit
And you call me
A bastard.
But we know we're each others
Profound profanity.

I never wanna let go
And share.
To divide our time into separate portions
Just seems to puncture my ends.
This is too tangible
And I'd like to keep it like that
For this is mine
Not hers
Not theirs
And this can only be shared with you.
This isn't some remarkable swoon
But this is it
And it's worthy of being selfish over.

Honestly the only way I think I could grow up is if I move out. Here, I'm still labeled as a child when I know I'm so much more and this bullshit is no longer fucking appropriate. Everyday I just feel like I'm dry-swallowing my pride cause I know I'm too good to deserve this, I'm too free to be caged up by the paranoia swelling up in their minds. People and things are crazy but you can't anticipate and prepare for the worst especially when there's no potential of it even occurring. I do see the safety aspects but I just don't even think it's about that anymore I just think it's about being unhappy and if you're unhappy please don't let that be contagious, but these are dead roots ruined by often passing storms. 

Everyday I'm more assured that I'm quite done. There's nothing here to pursue anymore and everyday is starting to feeling limited in some sort of way. It's either I can't do it or I just don't want to do it. Nothing beholds the same interest I once had when I first got here, I suppose it's time to move on and find that amount of interest I once had. It's not about the fusses that occurred it's about how no more change can be done. I just need to get away from these roots, settle on new soil and grow.

Cravings Are Never There.

As I stop running to admire the chance I took
I realized that it's slowly slipping
And I'm shocked at  the little grip I have now.
I was quick to move
But slow with my directions.
The thought of not knowing
Sends my head spinning with speculations
If the world stopped and steadily slowed down
And gave me the time
I'd guide my head home to sleep
The constant roar of panic alarms me
But
It's too hard to take it easy
So
I'm done.

Disabling Growth.

Always concealing but never dealing.

I'm not trying to fool you or anyone

Just trying to get away.

I learned it without a peep of wisdom.

Careful

Watch out

Don't

Prevent.

I never learned until I found out myself

And now I know better than you assume

Get over your scary youthful fears

They're getting old

I'm growing 

So just let go

You never taught me in the first place anyways. 

So just let go

We all know what I've done

I've been taking care of myself even before you 

Spoke up. 

First, Wait.

I remember the worried look on my Mothers face.

The frown she gave my dress

As she turned to Jackie questioning my apparel.

I really didn’t care

Unless you did.

I felt the little jitter arise as I got closer and closer to Barnes & Noble.

On the bus I was

Remembering my birthdays rejection

And assuming I was on my way to another one. 

I just thought it’d be simple and it would just be a forced pinch

Where I’d close my eyes and just go for it. 

You weren’t there when I arrived

And I waited and calmed myself down 

With a raw thought that this wasn’t going to be cooking.

But.

At last you arrived.

We sat down in the New Age isle

We didn’t have books stacked up 

We just had one that suited our imagination.

I knew your hands were itching to touch mine

Your lips were licked and ready.

That was the day you asked for more

And I grew generous. 

I remember the worried look on my Mothers face.

The frown she gave my dress

As she turned to Jackie questioning my apparel.

I really didn’t care

Unless you did.

I felt the little jitter arise as I got closer and closer to Barnes & Noble.

On the bus I was

Remembering my birthdays rejection

And assuming I was on my way to another one. 

I just thought it’d be simple and it would just be a forced pinch

Where I’d close my eyes and just go for it. 

You weren’t there when I arrived

And I waited and calmed myself down 

With a raw thought that this wasn’t going to be cooking.

But.

At last you arrived.

We sat down in the New Age isle

We didn’t have books stacked up 

We just had one that suited our imagination.

I knew your hands were itching to touch mine

Your lips were licked and ready.

That was the day you asked for more

And I grew generous. 

HEEE SHAM HAIKU

You know who it is
Push it to the limit while
You get a yummy body
He will plan today
With my girl Alyssa Ang
Healthy? So delicious
He likes to babble a lot
Once you're in jail can't get out
Gotta eat up to bulk
Gotta shower again, Mommy.

Nigara Falls

You told me if you had a choice of suicide
It'd be to jump and become one with Niagara Falls
And if you decided last minute you don't wanna die
You wouldn't be able to revers that instant jump/
The water would take over
No one would know
Not only would you loved ones be crushed
But also you
By the water.
The lottery ticket you bought a day or two before
Might have revealed you're another Trump.
The pack of cigarettes on your dashboard won't lead
To cancer
Anymore.
Maybe I'll burn the house down
Cause I won't get texts reminding me not to
I'd never get that profound moment
Of sharing a beer or two with you.

Finally we got up.

I decided that this time

I was going to wear your shirt.

I feared your windows

Exposing to all of Union Turnpike

We were glowing with 

That accomplished radiance.

I pondered the place you came to

After a long day

A bad day

A wonderful day.

Playing imaginary scenes. 

Opening the door with a 

Different face

For each day.

I wanted to witness it all.

You cooked me 

A colorful plate of 

Vegetables and chicken

And of course 

Rice.

As always you made it spicy.

Despite the fire in my mouth

I realized there was one

Between us the whole time.

I knew no glass of water couldn't 

Extinguish this. 

You later claimed you lived

In such a crappy apartment

But

That was it.

You and I. 

Your shirt.

Your boxers.

That was all I needed to feel belonged

In what you claimed a crappy apartment. 

 

Firm on the grip
I thought I wouldn't have let go
I thought I had this
But all I have now
Is about a few days worth of
Cabin fever
And an itch for
A surprise.
I never thought
My past would
Collide with my present.
I  don't blame
Anyone anymore.
When I'm limited
My mind is
Unlimited.
I'm creating my
Outside
Inside.